Real Bad Mommy

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Archives for March 2019

I Raise My Kids Without Family Help & I Survive – Just.

Parenting, Parenting Advice, Parenting Tips

How To Raise Your Children Without Family Support

Raising children without family support - advice on how to cope when you don't have an extended family to help you.

My vision of having children when I was a lot younger was one filled with family moments, big Christmas dinners and trips to the grandparent’s house where the kids would be utterly spoilt. Fast forward to my mid-thirties and two children and these visions couldn’t be further from the truth. My reality, along with many others, is no grandparents and little to no family help at all.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. But what if you don’t have a village to help you? Here are some tips to help you raise children when you don’t have an extended family network to help support you.

My mother suddenly passed away when I was only 28 years old, leaving me devastated that she would never get to meet her future grandchildren. When I unexpectedly fell pregnant around 6 months later, the reality of her not being there to meet my son hit home pretty hard. What I never could have anticipated was just how difficult it can be to sustain a loving, healthy marriage when you never get time alone without the kids. 

My husband and I both work very hard. We are both career driven people who want to balance good family life by providing a good life for our two children.

What makes it exceptionally difficult is having little to no family help around to assist with childcare or after school pick up or drops offs on days when our work rosters clash, which unfortunately happens a lot. Lucky for both of us our work rosters can be somewhat flexible, but sometimes this isn’t always the case and ultimately one of us will have to let our workplace down.

On top of this, trying to get someone on one time with hubby without the kids is almost non-existent. This, without us even realising, almost broke us. 

Advice On What To Do Without Extended Family Support

My Facebook news feed is constantly littered with friends going out with their significant other childfree, spending weekends away or sprouting about how the kids are with the grandparents for the weekend or even the week…I wish. This sounds like heaven to me, but when all of your parents are either calling heaven home or not around, well a fantasy it has to remain.

It can be incredibly difficult in these times to maintain a happy marriage. When you never spend time together, alone, reconnecting, it can cause rifts and can lead to distance and even separation.

Raising children without an extended family network can be daunting.

However, there are little things you can do each day in order to keep your connection with your significant other and to get some precious alone time.

Little gestures show your partner you still care about them – Get up a little earlier than them and make them breakfast in bed. Even making a coffee and bringing it to them can show you still care about them. Little gestures go a long way.

Do something to ease the burden on your partner – My husband can recognise now when I’m at breaking point. He will get up before me, close the bedroom door and amuse the kids, letting me have an extra hour of sleep. To parents of little ones, that extra hour can be more precious than gold!

Be unapologetically tough with your kids at times – My husband and I have realised that in order to keep our bond, we need to at times push our kids away. Tough love, in the long run, will benefit your children. While our kids want to jump all over us on a Sunday morning, sticking to us like the best football taggers in history, we need to at times tell them to go and amuse themselves. This allows my husband and I to spend time together actually talking without interruption and allows us to focus on US rather than the children for once.

Make time for each other doing something you love together – While my hubby and I may not be able to get out to do date night that often, in fact probably once every 12 months or so is the norm, we make time for each other in any way we can. This could be as simple as putting the kids to bed half an hour early one night and settling in on the couch to watch our favourite movie together. Having our own special time makes the daily grind less daunting.

Lean on friends when you can – Okay, I will admit, I am terrible at this. I tend to try and do everything myself and I hate asking for help. It has been to my own detriment but I am getting better at it as time goes by. My son, the eternal extrovert (as discussed my post “Raising Extroverted Children As An Introvert”) loves being around people.

So, I encourage play dates with his mates. One weekend I will have the boys over and naturally, another weekend he will go to his mates house. This gives you precious alone time to allow you to spend time on you and get some sanity back! The playdates at your house might be tiring but know the favour will be repaid!

Break the traditional views on “Grandparents” – Recently, we spent some time away at a lovely secluded holiday house. We have family from my hubby’s side who we don’t see that often – cousins and their parents/step parents – parents who are not at all biologically related to my children. But still, very loving and acting very much like grandparents to my kids and my two adored it, lapped up all the attention and even started calling them ‘Nani’ and ‘Pa’. How adorable.

Find ways to stay in touch with family – The grandparent bond is something truly magical. They spoil children beyond belief and adore them no matter what. My grandparents, being my children’s great grandparents, who are 92 and 88 live nearly 900kms from us. While they act like my children’s actual grandparents, filling that void in my children’s life, we only see them 2 or 3 times a year. So, I taught my 88 year old grandfather how to use Skype. We set the kids up on the weekend and they get to chat to their Nana and Grand-dad via Skype. This not only strengthens their bond but brings massive amounts of joy to my Grandparents lives, so a win for everyone!

I use childcare even when I have the day off – Yep, I can feel some judgement here and yep, I’ve judged myself on this one too. Feeling pangs of guilt dropping my kids at daycare knowing I’m just going home to relax or do housework. But as I’ve realised over time, I have no other choice. While those with extended families drop their kids off at the grandparents house to get some peace and quiet, I don’t have that option. So, what really is the difference, aside from having to pay for childcare?

I have learnt over time to ignore the guilt. My children have a ball at childcare, they play, they learn and I need time to regain some sanity!

Web Hosting

Until you are in this situation, you cannot comprehend just how incredibly hard it is. How incredibly taxing it is on your mind, body and soul to never get a proper break from your kids. As I’ve said many many times before, I adore my kids. I cherish my time with them and know I am so blessed to have them however I also unapologetically crave alone time away from them.

Most of all, make time for your partner and for yourself. This is something my husband and I learnt the hard way, dedicating so much time to work and to our kids, we neglected ourselves as a couple. We drifted apart and it almost broke us. We clawed our relationship back and have managed to find somewhat of a balance between spending time with the kids and spending time together without kids.

Give Yourself A Break

The key is to recognise how hard you have it. Give yourself a break and realise that these are the hardest years of your life. They will come to an end, it isn’t forever. Take time for yourself whenever you can. Learn to be apart from your significant other and do things by yourself. Spilt the parenting, as in you take the kids for 2 hours today and I’ll take them for 2 hours tomorrow.

It isn’t always ideal but we make it work. It isn’t forever and eventually, the kids will leave the nest and it will just be us alone again. But at least we can hold our heads high knowing we did it all on our own and we survived, if only by the skin of our teeth.

 

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Unsolicited Parenting Advice – When Is It Warranted?

Parenting Advice, Parenting Tips

You may ask yourself when is unsolicited parenting advice wanted…the answer to that is never! Putting your two cents worth in when it is not asked for is nothing more than irritating. We all have different parenting styles, while I have bit my tongue not telling you the 10 things I would’ve done differently with your child, you turn around and give me “just a bit of advice…” Hell no. 

We all raise our kids differently based on our own upbringing, morals, family dynamic and the like. What works for one family may not necessarily work for another. Something you think is a big deal in terms of children’s behaviours may not be seen as such a big deal by another. Unless the parents are seriously endangering their children, the advice is to zip it. No one wants to be told “just a bit of advice” from another parent. Because the reality is, you might get some truth bombs back that you weren’t expecting. 

We’ve all come across them, the moms who say “oh my god, my child would NEVER do that!” Makes you feel like the worst mother in the world, right? I’ve come across this more times than I can count, yet funnily enough I’ve witnessed the child do exactly what the parent said they’d never do!

I’ll give an example here, my son was on a playdate with a friend of his while I was having a coffee with the mother. We were talking about the kids (as you do) and I said Master L had been behaving badly towards me lately and lashed out and hit me. The response I immediately got from the other mommy was “oh my gosh, my son would NEVER hit me….” Hmmm I thought, okay is there something wrong with Master L then? I felt the size of a grain of sand at this point. But low and behold, not 10 minutes later this momma’s kid started misbehaving, she pulled him up on it and BAM! He punches her straight in the arm….I at the time said nothing. I took the higher ground as I sometimes (well perhaps seldom) do, but in this instance I thought pointing it out wasn’t worth it. You see, the vast majority of parents like to think their child is a saint. In reality, very few if any children are perfect children. They are all pains in the butt in someway, they all display poor behaviour at times through whatever reason, perhaps tiredness, their age, sickness or just downright naughtiness. Whatever the reason, no child is perfect. It baffles me as to why parents want to attempt to portray a different picture. The only answer I’ve ever come up with is that they want to portray to the world that they have this parenting thing perfected when in reality, we are all just taking it day by day.

Recently we have been dealing with the “Shitty Sevens.” Yep, you heard me…we all know the “terrible twos” the “troublesome threes” the “F@#*ed fours, the “fiesty fives” the “sassy sixes” and then there are the “shitty sevens.” See we have all heard of the terrible twos, but let me tell you mommas the terrible twos are NOTHING compared to the proceeding years. So, currently we are in the “shitty sevens” filled with attitude, back chat, eye rolling and general defiance. Oh, so fun. So, with this we have had a few issues at school. Master L has always been a handful at home but on a whole, a really good kid at school…until this year. We haven’t had anything major, just little things but enough that I can see a change in behaviour.

Funnily enough, the main issues have been with his best friend. So, I’ve been forced to address his behaviour with his mates mother. All good here as I’ve known her for a few years given our sons have been best mates since school commenced. What I didn’t expect was this mother to subtly begin to blame Master L for her kids behaviour. You heard correct. Here we go again with those parents who refuse to believe that their kid can do anything wrong. Now, I’m no spring chicken. I’ve been around the bush so to speak and I have witnessed things through my career that others wouldn’t even know existed. Most people live in a bubble, let me tell you for me, the bubble burst a long time ago. So, I did what I do best and observed and what I saw was the other child baiting my son, excluding him, teasing him and exaggerating the truth in order to lessen his involvement. So, I have begun to stand up for my son. While I admit his behaviour is less than perfect, there are times when I need to defend him and this is one of those times. Of course, this mother decided to weigh in and give “just some advice” to me. Yeah, well that didn’t go down so well given her sons behaviour is less than perfect too. So, I reiterate – don’t give unsolicited parenting advice EVER unless you are specifically asked for it.

Even more infuriating is when another mother then weighs in on your relationship and how you and your husband “may not be on the same page” in terms of parenting. This comment, while innocent enough, is one that should be avoided at all costs. Your opinion is based on what exactly? A few minutes a day of interactions in the school yard a day? A 10 minute chat after a play date? Assuming you know how a couple parents together based on this is highly unlikely to give you a detailed picture of the day to day lives of another family. Unless you are extremely close with this other couple, best to keep you “well meaning” comments to yourself. 

Until you have walked a day in my shoes, do not cast judgement. It is something we all should live by. We all think we are better at parenting than others, but truth is, we are all just getting by. Day by day. Ultimately our aim is the same. To raise well rounded, educated, considerate, compassionate, upstanding members of society. How I get them there is my business. 

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BEAUTY PRODUCTS YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT

Beauty Advice For Busy Mums, Beauty Tips For Busy Moms, Parenting Tips

SIMPLE, INEXPENSIVE BEAUTY TIPS FOR BUSY MOMS

While I am no beauty blogger, I am a woman who likes to look good. As a busy working mom of two, beauty treatments usually take a backseat to the housework, school lunches, sports lessons and after school activities. By the time I have a spare ten minutes to myself, I am usually far too tired to be bothered doing anything to improve my looks. It’s usually a “tomorrow job” however tomorrow doesn’t always come. 

As a single woman in my twenties, I regularly had my hair cut and coloured, my nails done, I self tanned/tanned on the beach, had a skin regime and regularly attended the gym. As a working mom in my thirties, time is a lot more scarce and most of these beauty treatments are a luxury I struggle to find the time to do. As a new mom, walking out of the house sporting bags under my eyes and smelling like baby vomit was not an uncommon occurrence. Now my kids have grown a little, I am actually capable of giving myself a little more time. Time is still precious however, so I need quick and easy options that aren’t going to break the bank. 

Like lots of women I have tried and tested a whole bunch of beauty products over time. Some are good, some not so but I couldn’t help but compile a list of simple, easy and inexpensive products that will have you looking and feeling a million bucks in no time. 

SELF TANNING

I will readily admit I am pasty as they come, like not pure redhead pasty but not far from it. My skin does tan quite easily, so as a single woman I spent time sunbaking at the beach. Living close to the beach meant I could walk down to the beautiful golden sand and sit for hours reading a book and relaxing. Well as most of us moms would know, going to the beach with kids is an exhausting (and definitely not so relaxing) mission.

So, not only is this not an option for me anymore, but I also have skin that pops out freckles like weeds in a freshly watered garden bed. I have so many freckles now my kids could use them to play “join the dots.” So being far more sun and skin conscious, I choose fake tanning to get a nice golden colour. Believe me, I have tried many many many products and have always found they leave you looking more like an Oompah Loompa from Willy Wonka. Not a good look at all and attending a salon for a quick spray tan while my two kids run around like monkeys from the jungle is also not an option.

I eventually gave a local product Byron Bay Bronze a try and WOW! It would have to be the simplest self-tanner I have ever used. Literally just wipe it on all over, leave it for an hour up to 8 hours and rinse in the shower. I usually put it on just before bed and rinse in the morning (disclaimer with this though, it will stain lighter colours so beware).

Alternatively, I have put it on, gone back to my normal nighttime duties for a few hours then rinsed off before bed, this just gives a slightly lighter result. But, brilliant doesn’t go far enough in describing this product. No Oompah Loompa look at all and does not streak. The colour is so subtle and so natural I have been asked multiple times if I had been to the beach because I looked so brown.

Best of all the product is all natural AND Australian made! I purchased it on a special where I got 2 bottles for $99. Several months later I’m still using the same bottles, although I do not tan every week as mentioned above sometimes I just can’t be stuffed!

Get it here: https://byronbaybronze.com.au or Follow them on Instagram @byronbaybronze

TEETH WHITENING

I have always been a big tea drinker. Over time, I have noticed my teeth becoming more and more stained. I have been wanting to get to the dentist to get a whitening treatment done but again time and money have prevented me. On top of this, hubby went a while back to get a whitening treatment done on his teeth (caveat here his teeth were a lot worse than mine so he went first!) And honestly, I didn’t think the results were all that spectacular. For the $600 price tag, I decided it wasn’t worth it. But, scrolling through my Instagram feed I came across an ad for Carbon Coco –

I had seen the ad a few times and thought the product was another one of those teeth whitening gimmicks that never work (yes I have tried almost all of the in-home products with little to no success). So, one day I was curious and started researching it. The reviews were really really good. So, okay I said, worth a shot. I ordered a full kit for about $90 and it arrived shortly after. I followed the regime as described. The tooth polish (basically a tub full of black carbon powder) is what you use first. While it leaves your mouth looking like the coal pit of a steam engine, the taste is perfectly fine.

Women's Footwear Walnut Melbourne

I had seen the ad a few times and thought the product was another one of those teeth whitening gimmicks that never work (yes I have tried almost all of the in-home products with little to no success). So, one day I was curious and started researching it. The reviews were really really good. So, okay I said, worth a shot. I ordered a full kit for about $90 and it arrived shortly after. I followed the regime as described. The tooth polish (basically a tub full of black carbon powder) is what you use first. While it leaves your mouth looking like the coal pit of a steam engine, the taste is perfectly fine.

The next step is the “organic oil pulling” If I’m honest, I didn’t like this part that much and I found the taste and texture very off putting. But, I persisted. I used the bamboo toothbrush, tongue cleaner and carbon toothpaste and after a week or so, my teeth felt incredibly clean. I noticed a gradual improvement in the colour of my teeth and while your teeth don’t end up looking like the celebrity extreme white grin that can be seen from space, they will lighten a few shades and your mouth will feel extremely fresh without breaking the budget. And again, it’s all natural products! Bonus!

Australian Mommies find it here: https://carboncoco.com or Follow them on Instagram: @carboncocoau

FEMININE HYGENE

ModiBodi period underwear – okay bare with me on this one. At first when I saw these I thought no way can those things work. But after seeing ad after ad (marketing really works it seems) I decided to do some research. The reviews were exceptional so after a fair bit of debating, I decided it can’t hurt to give them a try. I purchased two pairs and was genuinely nervous to try them so decided I try them at home and overnight, just in case.

Well, to my absolute surprise they are fantastic! They are super comfortable, no smell and they really don’t feel the same as wearing sanitary pads. Note here I am not a tampon wearer, they just aren’t for me but find I’m always uncomfortable in sanitary pads. Well, ModiBodi changed that and I am sold. And what’s better is they are great for the environment AND Australian made, win-win for everyone. 

Get yours here: https://www.modibodi.com or follow them on Instagram: @modibodiaustralia

DEODORANT

I have tried so many different deodorants, spray ons, roll-ons, creams… I am a stress sweater, meaning I sweat quite heavily when busy or under pressure. So, by the end of the day, this can cause my underarms to smell like a hairy man’s armpit after a cardio workout. Yuck, not at all nice. I have tried the professional strength Rexona and the like, guaranteed to keep you fresh. Not only have I found them to not work, I also develop skin rashes due to having quite sensitive and therefore easily irritated skin. So, when I saw an advertisement for No Pong deodorant, I was intrigued.

So basically  No Pong Deodorant is made from all-natural ingredients (again yay!) and is a mixture of baking soda, coconut oil, beeswax and a couple of other non-nasty ingredients. It comes in a tin and you apply it like a lotion or a cream to your armpit. It seemed far too simple to work, but to my surprise it totally does! Even after a heavy cardio workout on a humid day, my armpits remain super fresh and it is nice and gentle on my easily irritated skin.

It comes in two varieties – original, which contains the bi-carb or baking soda blend and a bicarb free version for those sensitive to bicarb based deodorants and fragrances. Best of all, it is ridiculously cheap. The bicarb version is $5.95 and the bicarb free version is $6.95!! I haven’t looked back since using it and highly recommend you give it a try!

Get yours here: https://www.nopong.com or follow them on Instagram: @nopong.deodorant

EYELASH ENHANCER

FEG eyelash enhancer – Again I went into this with such a scepticism that I’m surprised I even continued using it., but I persisted. I thought I may as well. As I’ve got older I’ve noticed my eyelashes getting lighter and lighter. Once jet black, the tips started fading and becoming so fair it looked like in places I had no lashes. I honestly don’t have the time nor the patience to be applying mascara every day so I gave this stuff a try. Again, research showed that people loved the product.

After about 2 – 4 weeks of using it, I noticed my lashes becoming healthier and a lot darker. I have been using it for over a month now and the results really speak for themselves, my lashes are jet-black again, longer, fuller and generally healthier. What’s best is that all you do is line the top row of lashes at night before bed and that’s it, it takes no more than 5 seconds for good results. 

Get it here: http://www.skinsentials.com.au/feg-eyelash-enhancer-serum

HOLLYWOOD LASHES

Do you have short or nearly non-existent lashes? Or are you just wanting a product that makes your lashes look like those on the Hollywood starlets? I was seeing ads everywhere for “4D Silk Fibre Mascara” so I decided to try it. I was quite sceptical at first but after using it a few times and figuring out not to lather it on the way they do on the ads, I discovered I actually really quite liked it. It does make your lashes look a lot longer, not quite like the ad but that’s probably because I don’t like layering it too much or else I look like a clumpy clown (I have quite long lashes naturally).

This product you can get in multiple places, including Wish and eBay. Shop around for the best deal and the most reputable seller.

CLEAN, SIMPLE, BEAUTIFUL MAKE UP

If you haven’t tried the make-up brand Nude By Nature you are seriously missing out. I changed from using Clinque, which I was finding too heavy for my skin to Nude By Nature after a friend recommended it. Once I changed, I haven’t looked back.

I use the matte liquid foundation, which is super light but gives you a beautiful finish without looking like you have applied your foundation with a paint trawler. It stays all day and doesn’t come off even after sweating or exercising.

To give a beautiful airbrushed finish, I use the loose powder over the top. Again, it is light and doesn’t feel like you’re wearing anything at all. I finish off with the mineral veil powder to set my make up and enhance the overall finish.

I have also used their brushes and concealer and can confidently recommend them all.

Want to try it yourself? You can get it here: Nude By Nature

REVITALISING YOUR HAIR

While I have made a conscious decision to make time to go and get my hair done as often as I can, I still push it to the absolute limit, to the point I look in the mirror and think damn girl go and get your hair done you look like a manky lion…

I have blonde foils in my hair and yes blonde is a lot of work to maintain. I find my beautiful white foils over time get that brassy look which I absolutely hate. I would love to have enough time to slide off to the hairdresser at this point and get a nice tone and blow dry done but let’s be honest, that ain’t happening with two kids that easily.

So recently I decided I would just purchase a packet silver toner from the supermarket and use that to tie me over. Well, the results did surprise me. I regained my beautiful white blonde hair again for a $5 packet of toner, which took all up 45 minutes to apply, wait and rinse. Not a bad hair hack for busy moms to keep themselves looking and feeling their best. 

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Online Gaming Addiction – The Fortnite Obsession

Parenting Advice, Parenting Tips

There probably isn’t a parent out there with a son aged between aged 5 upwards who hasn’t heard of the online game Fortnite. To me, I have to say it’s the most boring game in history. Like, you run around wearing strange costumes with a hamburger for a head…right. But, my son like all his mates at school is obsessed with it. And when I say obsessed, I mean like uber obsessed. It’s all he talks about, thinks about and all he wants to do. So, his dad and I limit play time. We thought that was the best way to head off the obsession. I’m not a huge fan of online games anyway, for one I think they’re mind numbing. Secondly, they are dangerous. The idea that my 6 year old can chat to absolute strangers of all ages from all around the world through his headpiece is down right terrifying, am I right? So when the game first came out and Master L begged to play it, I followed a couple of simple steps in order to keep him safe:

  1. I logged on and played the game myself first. Seems bizarre I know, but it allows me to understand the game, how it works and all its features. 
  2. I changed the privacy settings. Master L plays on Playstation, so his dad was better at this than me as I’m a Playstation/gaming tragic. I literally have no idea how to even drive the things. The last time I played a video game was Super Mario Bros back on Super Nintendo…yikes. However, we changed the settings so that when he was playing with “randoms” the voice function was muted, so he could not hear them nor talk to them. So if some creepy man from the other side of the world wanted to talk to him, he couldn’t hear them. 
  3. Educate your child. Right, so we all know stranger danger right?  Well in this modern era, stranger danger doesn’t just take the form of people children meet face to face. More likely, stranger danger will come in the form of online danger. So, teach your child. Educate them that there are no so nice people out there who should be avoided. This worked well in our house. My son has always been super trusting of people, he loves people. While this is a great trait in certain ways, it is also very bad in others. I weighed it up, should I allow him to keep seeing the world as a beautiful rosey place where nothing bad ever happens? Or should I teach him that hey, there is evil in the world that should be avoided at all costs? Well, the answer is rather simple. I sat him down and explained to him that there are nasty people out there who try to talk to young children on the internet. I didn’t need to go into great detail about why they do it, what their motive or end game is because this is just too much for him to digest. I explained instead that some people are rude to little kids or teach them bad words and that was enough for him to understand why I wanted him to steer clear of them. 
  4. Monitor your child’s friends list. Do you know who these people are? Obviously each child has a “username” which makes it impossible to identify them. So I spoke to the mothers of the friends my son said he wanted to play with and I got all of their usernames, that way I could identify each child and approve the friend requests that were coming through. 
  5. Check the profiles of unknown users who are trying to befriend your child. I’ll admit a few came through that my son just accepted without telling me so I viewed their profiles. Turns out because my son was logged into his dads account using his username, some of his dads friends added him. I confirmed that we knew each person there and if we didn’t, that person was immediately blocked. In my opinion any adult who wants to befriend a child they don’t know online has sinister motives. This might be a doom and gloom way of looking at the world but hey, if it keeps my child safe them so be it. 
  6. As mentioned, Master L plays on the Playstation. That Playstation is in the main lounge room of the house. It will remain that way so that I can sit next to him and watch what he is doing. The idea of him sitting on his iPad in his bedroom without any form of monitoring is just plain silly. Be involved in what your child is doing. If they know you are monitoring their every move, they are more likely to play by your rules. 
  7. Set clear rules. No adding random strangers without my permission. Play with mates in “parties” only. Tell me if someone you don’t know tries to talk to you. Have consequences should these rules be broken. Banning the game is like telling my son I’m going to take him right arm away, so that being said he will play by the rules or suffer the consequences. 
  8. Limit the time they are allowed to play. With our busy lives, it is easy to just let them play their Playstation or iPad that little bit longer just to get some work done or a moments peace, you have to think what are the consequences in the long run? We are all guilty of it, I will be the first to admit I have done it. However, I absolutely notice a change in my son’s behaviour when he plays the game too much as opposed to times when I refuse to allow him to play it. Studies have shown that screen time does alter the chemistry in a child’s brain, so try at all costs to limit game time. 

Despite all this, to say it has been a smooth run would be a lie. Currently, Fortnite is banned in our house. Why? Because Master L’s behaviour was gradually getting worse and worse. He was falling asleep in class and having random unexplained meltdowns. When we discovered he was waking up at midnight, sneaking into the lounge room to play Fornite for 5 hours before being told to go back to bed, the game was immediately banned. Despite daily protests, it remains that way. Gaming addiction is absolutely real, like any addiction it rules my son’s mind. It is something that we as parents need to be acutely aware of and to manage as best we can as we all know these games aren’t going away in a hurry. 

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Staying Sane Whilst Raising Kids

Parenting Advice, Parenting Tips

Me time. Something I had in abundance when I was single and child-free. Something I took massively for granted. I even had the audacity to say I was bored. Good lord. I look back on this now and laugh. Well, I kind of laugh and also cry just a little. These days, going to the supermarket to grab milk on my own feels like a damn holiday. I get excited when I look at my work roster and realise I will have a few hours to myself Thursday in 2 weeks time. I think about it daily and count down the days until I get those precious few hours, just to sit and be.

Sometimes I use this time quite productively. Cleaning the house, washing, taking the dogs for a walk. Other times, so exhausted from my busy life, I nap. Yes, I drop the kids off at school and Kinder, I come back home and I climb back into bed for an hour or two. Crazy huh?

To think I used to be ‘bored.’ When now, peeing alone seems like a distant memory. I usually use the powder room toilet because it has a lock on it. But it seems almost instant before the kids are attempting to smash through the door, little fingers are appearing under gap and dogs are sniffing and snorting on the other side. I open the door to two kids, two dogs and sometimes a husband all staring at me like I’ve been lost at sea for years. Oh to be bored once more. 

When raising children, you give up so much of yourself. Your life is no longer yours. Your life now belongs to these little beings, tiny little humans who depend on you for absolutely everything. Going to the gym, doing your makeup, getting your hair and nails done, having a coffee or a brunch with a friend takes so much planning its like you’re planning a 6 month tour around Europe.

I have had to book in coffee dates with friends a month or more in advance, save the date in my calendar and set a reminder for myself the day before so I wouldn’t forget. Gone are the days when a quick text to catch up could mean coffee, lunch, dinner and drinks until 3 am without a second thought about school pick up, after-school activities or looking after screaming kids with the worlds worst hangover. Even drinks after work require careful planning, checking hubby’s roster, making sure he does pick up, organising dinner and packing lunches all come into the fray. Life is no longer simple.

Children's Shoes Walnut Melbourne

FINDING WAYS TO DE-STRESS

Okay, so this sentence seems rather simple but in all honesty, it took me years to realise I needed to take time to myself to cope and to retain my sanity. It took nearly falling apart in order to realise that sometimes I just needed to put myself first. 

So, do something for YOU. You give up so much time doing things for others, you totally neglect yourself. Here are some simple tips to de-stress:

Exercise: Whatever form it takes, do it. For me, I love the gym and have taken up running. I have always loved physical exercise and found that it is great for my mental health. After having children and the busy lifestyle that comes with it, I lost this passion. It was too hard, I was too tired or I just didn’t have the time. However, after a scare with my health, I was advised to do cardio exercise at least 3 times a week. I was forced to find time to do it and low and behold, I felt less stressed, felt accomplished and felt like I was doing something for ME.

Being forced to find the time made me realise that I deserved this time and most of all my kids would survive the hour I needed to exercise. For you, it might be taking the dogs for a walk, swimming, walks along the beach, yoga. Whatever form it takes – do it.

New mom? Join a Facebook group and find local walking groups or mothers exercise groups where you can bring bubs along. You’ll be surprised at how many places accommodate new moms.

Park run is also a great initiative and it is located all around Australia. Don’t be fooled by the name, you can also walk it and bring the kiddies along too. Fun run events can be a lot of fun too, look up a running calendar and find a run/walk near you. They are also great for supporting good causes like children’s hospitals and the like. 

Find something you like doing: For me, I have always loved writing. I started when I was 14 years old and always used it as a form of expression, to find the words when I didn’t know how to verbalise it or simply just to vent on paper. Again, after having children it’s a hobby I stopped. I just didn’t have the time and my brain was so scrambled I just couldn’t.

ecently I’ve started it up again and have re-discovered just how much I love to write. You might enjoy gardening, renovating, reading, arts and crafts. Whatever your passion, find time to do it. Give the kids a hobby or a chore and set aside an hour for yourself. You’ll be surprised just how good it feels to do something you love. 

Be more like your husband: You know how they have boys days, pub trips, footy trips, nights away with mates without a glimmer of guilt or worry? Be more like that and do the same. Go for after work drinks with the girls, organise a dinner date childfree, go on a shopping trip or beach day with just your friends. Forget the kids. Hubby might whinge and complain about how hard it is, but hey you do it all the time right? The kids (and hubby) will survive – trust me. 

Do a girls weekend away: Whether you go to the city and stay in a fancy hotel and eat take away, chocolate and drink wine, have a big night on the town drinking and dancing like you’re 20 again or spend the day getting massages and facials at a day spa, enjoy it.

Take this time for yourself, guilt free and do not think about the chaos you’ll walk back into at home when you return. Try not and stress when you get the text message from hubby saying the kids skipped their bath tonight and are eating McDonald’s for dinner, they will survive.

The best gift you can give your kids is a revitalised, relaxed momma whose batteries are fully recharged, so dump the guilt and just do it. 

Find time to just be: This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Walking away from the housework, the bickering and fighting and the chaos and taking a cuppa tea outside to sit in the sunshine is easier said than done. But I do it. I need it and I own it. Take a book, catch up on your Facebook news feed or just sit and bask in the sunshine.

Whatever it is just relax and breathe. Yes, I have locked the door on my kids and told them to go away and give mommy some time when they come scratching down the door (which they will I promise!). Does this make me a bad mother? Hell no, it makes me a mother aware that I need some me time sometimes and that is okay. 

Staying sane whilst raising children is hard. I work in a high-pressure job yet after having children I can safely say that my job is a breeze compared to being at home raising my kids. But one “I love you mommy” or squishy cuddle (as we call them) from my munchkins makes it all worthwhile. After all, we need to make sure we have someone around to look after us when we’re old and wrinkly, god knows we probably won’t be able to do it on our own. 

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Raising A Child With Anxiety

Parenting Advice, Parenting Tips

While a lot of the older generation, such as my grandparents scoff at the idea that a child can suffer with anxiety, it is sadly something I have a lot of experience in given my oldest son started showing signs around the age of four. 

I myself suffer from anxiety. It is inevitable then that Master L would end up with it also. It still doesn’t stop you feeling saddened and somewhat guilty when your child starts displaying the symptoms of it. It is a condition that is hard to understand, but far more common than you may realise. According to YouthBeyondBlue.com 1 in 14 children aged 4 – 17 experienced anxiety disorder in 2015. 

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

For Master L, it manifests itself as tantrums, fits of crying and hissy fits when he doesn’t get his own way, negative thoughts and fear of trying something new in case he fails. It has taken me a long time to learn how to deal with it, I googled the shit out childhood anxiety to find out causes (aside from genetics), treatments, supplements…anything that might help alleviate his suffering. Having suffered from anxiety my whole life and only getting a handle on it over the last 5 or so years, I know all too well the fear, confusion and crippling negative thoughts that come with the condition. A constant internal dialogue and uncontrollable bodily reactions such as a raised heartbeat, feeling ill in the stomach and sweating to name a few of the wonderful symptoms that are a daily norm for someone with anxiety.

At one stage Master L’s anxiety was so bad, he cried and told me that he wanted to die. I was heart-broken and at a loss, I never in a million years thought that I would be dealing with this so young. So, I did what I always do and researched, researched and researched. Through my research I discovered that responding to these negative comments “I’m not good enough” “I’m so dumb” “I can’t do anything right” “I’m such a bad kid” and the like actually makes it worse, feeding into the child’s attempts to get attention. The best way to tackle it is to ignore it completely. Easier said than done when your 5 year old child says he would be better off not being alive, right? I can vouch for it and say however that it works. The more you ignore it, the less they will say these things in order to get a response from you. 

Walnut Baby

FINDING SOMETHING TO HELP

So, more research on the google machine and I found a supplement, L-Theanine. Even better, I found it in a relatively inexpensive and nicely flavoured tablet dinosaur tablet making it easy for kids to think it was nothing more than a lolly. Although, I explained it to Master L that it wasn’t a lolly, but a multi-vitamin to help his brain. No need to make the kid feel like something was wrong with him, he has teenage and adult years ahead of him for that.

My ever sceptical hubby said I was insane, that something so cheap and inexpensive wouldn’t work. I doubted it too but had to try. I was in tears at work, losing sleep at night feeling like a was a failure and constantly feeling the overwhelming burden of guilt that I had caused my son to be like this purely through genetics and/or my behaviour. 

However, I felt like after a month or so Master L improved. It could’ve been a coincidence, yes. But after running out of the product and waiting for the next shipment to arrive, I noticed Master L regress somewhat. I pointed it out to my hubby who agreed they must be having some effect. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t a miracle cure but it’s definitely tamed the tiger to a degree. So, I ordered buckets of it. I would’ve cleared the shelf of their product to ensure we didn’t run out. And things seemed better. The negative thoughts almost disappeared. His anxiety was ever present but at bay and he seemed happier within himself, happier at school and a more well-balanced kid. Yay. A win to mom. 

Fast forward six or so months and life being life, I began to slip. Being incredibly busy at work, having a friend stay with us who was going through relationship troubles and the general business that come with being a working mom with two kids, I became very slack at giving Master L these tablets. And it started to show. He started to act out and become aggressive. He was easily annoyed and clearly unable to handle his emotions. I didn’t twig, instead thinking it was just his age or a phase. 

Then one weekend, one of Master L’s best mates wanted a play-date. We owed them one, it was our turn. With hubby working the weekend, I thought this would be the perfect Saturday to arrange a play-date. So, they chose inflatable world and off we went. All started well but about an hour in, cracks began to show. Nothing major, just disagreements and general sookiness. I started to ask myself why I had even agreed to the playdate. Bad idea. Little did I know.

Back home and everything seemed to be travelling along nicely, barring the usual bickering about not sharing and not playing the way the other wanted to. So they head outside to the trampoline (thank christ I think, peace at last!) But soon after the boys end up in a bit of a scuffle and Master L punches his mate in the arm. I witnessed the whole thing and therefore dished out appropriate punishment, put Master L in the shower and sent his mate home. 

About ten minutes later, Master L comes out of the shower and tells me he’s a “bad kid and doesn’t want to be alive anymore.” As shocking as this sounds coming from the mouth of a six-year-old, I’ve heard these words before. In my research, I learned that this can be an attention seeking mechanism. It can also be overwhelming anxiety, so much that Master L’s young brain cannot comprehend how he is feeling and doesn’t know how to express it.

At that point, I chose to ignore it, but once he had calmed down I sat down and had a heart to heart with him. I asked him what it meant to die to him. His response was “you become a person who floats in the sky and does nothing” I explained in terms of my mother’s death what it actually meant. I knew, at 6 years old, he could not possibly understand the finality of death nor the impact it has on those left behind.

As I explained to him how much I loved him and how much it broke my heart hearing him say he no longer wanted to be alive, I burst into tears. His little face twisted in shock as he asked me if I was crying because of him. His deeper level of thinking and understanding was so evident, it is no surprise the little bugger suffers from anxiety. 

WAYS TO MANAGE IT

  1. Ignore the negative talk, you are only feeding into it if you give it any attention. As hard as it may seem, the more you acknowledge it the more your child will do it and the negative talk cycle will continue.
  3. Let the moment pass then sit down and talk to your child, ask them why they are so upset. This shows them you care and allows them to vent. We, as adults do it all the time right? So why can’t our kids? The issues might seem trivial to you, but they could be a massive deal for your child. 
  4. Try supplements, they worked for me so they may work for you too! It’s worth a shot. There are plenty of natural remedies out there to try, as for my child a simple L-Theanine tablet for my son helped settle his out of control emotions. It may or may not work for your child but there are plenty of other options available.
  5. Research. Read. Understand the condition, especially if you have never experienced it yourself, trust me it’s terrifying at times and I’m an adult. It would be 100 times scarier for a child to try to comprehend. Research helped me to understand behaviours in my son which were frightening and confronting, it gave me a lot of comfort to understand that it was all part of the condition.
  6. Talk to your doctor, tell them your concerns. They may think that seeing a child psychologist would be beneficial. We are in that process now, to address it further before habits become ingrained.
  7. DON’T bury your head in the sand. Do not think if you ignore it, it will just go away. It won’t. If you leave it until your child is a teenager to address, it may be too late. Patterns and behaviours can already be ingrained by this age, so the earlier you address it the better. 

Most of all know you are not alone. Be there for your child and be the best mother you can be, having a mother who is their rock is the best therapy a child could ask for.

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INSTA-FAKENESS

Parenting Advice, Parenting Tips

In a world full of fake insta bloggers and perfect family lives plastered all over Facebook, it would be easy for a mom, or even a dad to feel somewhat down about their less than perfect family life. You scroll through your news feeds and see photo after photo of perfect little children, smiling, laughing, playing and behaving their way through whatever social function their family happened to attend that day. It all looks so perfect. So real. 

What many of us fail to realise is that whilst there are 10 perfect photographs with wonderfully smiling, happy children, there could’ve been 100 more photos of dirty, snotty nose, grubby children chucking their 78th tantrum for the day. But, in the social media world we share what we want others to see and herein lies the problem. The problem of perception. The perception of perfection, something you yourself will never achieve. And it can get us moms down on ourselves. We see others allegedly blitzing this parenting thing and we wonder why we are struggling so badly. The reality is, no one and I mean no one finds parenting easy and any mother who says “oh it’s a breeze” is one of those Insta-fake people, too scared to show the world that they are literally hanging on by a mere thread. 

Attend any school ground and you’ll spot them, like a flamingo in amongst the plain old ducks, flamboyantly flitting around boasting about how much they’re going to miss their little ones whilst they’re at school. The same mothers who then scurry off to get their nails done, have a latte with friends or wander around the shops in utter blissful peace. So excuse me if I call absolute BS on their “I can’t believe the school holidays are over, what am I going to do without my sidekick…” swan song. Kids are hard work. Damn hard work and we all want a little time to ourselves sometimes. 

Take for example me taking my daughter to playgroup. Here was a mom, third child in a pram, two other kids in tow. They were all dressed perfectly, neat hair, lunches packed. She strolled on in with the baby bag fully stocked and the bubs asleep. I couldn’t help but say “wow, how does she do it? I struggle with two and here she is with three….” The answer I received wasn’t one I expected, the reply from her best friend was blunt “with a lot of anxiety and valium….” Oh okay. So again, here is the outward appearance very different to behind closed doors. 

Jump on Instagram and scroll though the endless photos of perfection, family bliss with the hashtags to match. Like modern day photoshopping, people are portraying a fake-ness to the world in an effort to show just how wonderful their lives are. Reality is that normal lives don’t like like an Instagram feed. I have always preferred to post just the opposite on Instagram or Facebook. I share with my friends the hilarious parenting fails I face, the utter absurdity that is parenting toddlers. Photographs of my lounge room floor littered with a zillion pieces of lego, faces of my child mid-tantrum or food spread on the floor from the kitchen to the dining room to me is far more interesting. Sure, I’ll put up cute photos of the kids as well but to portray the #mylifeisperfect is just not me. It is not genuine and honestly, anyone who knows me and my parenting style knows that isn’t even close how my daily life goes.

As the world wakes up to the photoshopped models and celebrities on the covers of magazines and know that this is far from reality, we seem to be getting sucked into the over night celebrities, the insta-stars and the perfect family photos perfected with the touch up brush and Instagram filters. What we need to do is look beyond the image and realise this is a just a moment captured in time, one split second of perfection surrounded by all the other hours of utter normality.

While some of us real “bad” mom’s own it and joke about it, others prefer to hide behind the facade of perfection. The best us other mom’s can do is just be real, know it’s hard and support each other as best we can. So go on, share those imperfect moments, those hilarious parenting fails we all experience. Give everyone a laugh and make your momma friends feel good about the crappy day they may too be having!

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